Let’s Talk
by katelynane
The funny thing about mental health is that one moment, you can be doing great and writing blog posts and reflecting on the lessons that your trials and hardships have been teaching about yourself. And then the next moment, you can be right back in the fog of depression. Overwhelmed by the idea of getting up in the morning, terrified of falling asleep to just do it all over again, numb to the people who are trying to coax you out of the wall you’ve built around you.
There are so many moments where I wish I knew what triggered the depressive seasons of life. I’m trying to extend myself grace, because I’m still at the beginning of my mental health journey and I’m okay with admitting that. I’m not a self-care veteran. I’m a self-shutdown veteran. It’s just frustrating to never know when fog is in the forecast. I am an expert at running in survival mode, but I’m only starting to comprehend what it really looks like to thrive.
It is so tempting to shut out the lies, but never facing them. To let the voices that scream the loudest be the ones that define your worth. When I get too tired to fight, what is stopping me from letting the fog take over?
You are too much to handle. You love people too much, it scares them away. You are too sensitive, stop being so dramatic. You require too much attention, other people deserve it more. You have too many needs, no one would want to take you on. You are too broken, nothing can fix the mess that you are. You want to much out of life, lower your expectations. You are too inexperienced, you take up too much time at work. You should be better at this by now, why are you such a failure?
All of the traits, all of the things negative things I think about myself clump together until they become my worst enemy. It gets to the point where I feel like nothing I do will shut off, so I shut it out. However, I’m starting to learn that numbing is not a selective process. Shutting out the dark thoughts also means shutting out the joyful thoughts. When I let the fog creep back in until it is too thick to see one foot in front of my face, I lose all of myself.
I’ve been extremely anxious and emotionally exhausted for most of January thanks to work, but last week when I was about to throw in the towel and shut down, I tried opening up my bible. I’m taking it slow, just reading one Psalm every time I sit down for some silent time with God. Maybe that will be every morning, maybe it will be once a week. Every time I look to God, I find myself. The fog disperses a little more, and I start to feel alive on the inside again.
It should not feel so unexpected that when I carve out intentional time with Christ to read, pray, worship, colour, or just dwell with him, my heart gets a little lighter. And when the fog clears, he’s always standing there. Always. I wish it didn’t take me by surprise time and time again. It’s so easy to forget about God and his overwhelming love. It’s so easy to wander off until we’re knee deep in depression and be caught off-guard yet again with the gravity of how much Christ sacrificed for us on the cross.
One day, I will be familiar with my inherent worth. One day, I will dwell in the steadfast love and righteousness of my Lord. I will be brave enough to face the lies every time…not just when I my entire world feels like it is caving in after months of endless pressure. I’m working toward fearlessness. I want to embrace that I am enough in this world. I want to comprehend the love that God extends to me and let that be my defining worth.
But for today, Let’s start the conversation. Let’s encourage one another to process our emotions, not bottle them up. Let’s teach each other that when we feel overwhelmed, we should slow down instead of digging deep and pushing through. Let’s remind ourselves that our minds deserve just as much respect as our bodies.
Where You Lead Me 